19. About life and caring

Hellou and long time no see, I've actually been busy doing a lot of stuff! And it's still going on, I just decided to take my time and do a quick post now. Aannnd I actually have some stuff to say too so not bad at all!! Pay attention---!!

So Suski and Elina spent 5 days here with me, mostly we just hanged around but I'll write more about it later, add many pics etc~ just the reason of me having been busy

Today has been one of those days I am really happy to be alive, to be me and to have been just where i happened to be. Nothing much actually happened, tho I only slept for less than 5 hours cuz S&E's plane was so early we had to get up at six already: I had made plans to go and eat both lunch and dinner back at home with my host family today, so that's mostly what I did.

Tho I had been trying to find a place that would rent a bike, asked around if anyone knew anywhere and googled it, it seems they woudlnt rent any bikes in Koenji D: So I asked okaasan if they have a rental anywhere near and she even made a call but you should have waited for a month to get a bike so yeah -__-" it seemed i wouldnt get any, and i was starting to get a little worried about coming home late at nights (this station is not too safe at nights, particularly if you walk alone)

But then obaachan told me a friend of hers happens to have two bikes (the one was stolen right after he had bought it so he had to buy another one, but then he spotted the stolen one a couple of months later and got it back XD). She said he had wanted to sell one of them as soon as possible, and it had already been two months since they had spoken about the thing so it wasnt sure he still had both. Anyway, Obaachan said she'd call him and ask about it later when he would be home.

So I stayed in the kitchen chatting with okaasan, but soon obaachan came back speaking in the phone, telling i'd go and pick the bike, and I found myself on the way to get one of them YEY. When I was leaving the house obaachan came downstairs wearing her jacket and because she's 85 already and has problems with her leg i was like no no no i go myself, sure the friend will spot me but she was determined to come with so i was like "oh ok (.__.)"

We met at the other station where this Shimizu-san lives and he said we should go and change the bikes register number so that it will belong to me if there would be any problems, so we started walking there (he taking the bike, obaachan having hard time walking the long distance and me just hanging there awkwardly). Obaachan had told me about the man on our way there, the guy was single and had been travelling a lot in very interesting places, he had even been to uganda without permission to meet a friend so i felt reaaally tiny next to him and his experiences..! I never know what to say in front of ppl i really do respect...

When we got to the register-thingy-place they told it's easy to change and would take 500 yens, so he was like ok i'll pay but obaachan started to take out her money and aaaaaaaaa okay i know 500 yen is not a big amount but still  I had my money in my hand there but Shimizu-san was like PUT IT AWAY so my reaction again: "oh ok (.__.)"

This might not sound like anything big happened, but the whole time i was there like DONT YOU FUCKING START CRYING LIKE A BABY its just... i dunno, im one of those ppl who actually cry really rare, maybe 4-5 times a year, but on these kind of occassions where someone does something for you without getting anything out of it, without any benefits, like giving their bike (a better one ;__;) away in order to help a total stranger you dont even know, i cant help but feel touched.

Before i left and rode the bike to our station i said thank you for a million times but you know the feeling when you cant forward your feeling however hard you try??? You've got no words and just hope you could make them understand how thankful you are for everything and ösaldköalsdköas

Hhhuuh im making such a fuzz about 'nothing', but it really wasnt nothing for me. I hear that im a cold person and seem distant etc a lot, but i really love making ppl smile. Like, i often open doors to random guys and such, but thats something you can do without losing anything of your own stuff. Maybe this sounds selfish and yeah it is selfish, but often when making someone happy demands something from you (money, item, not having something you want to have by yourself), I find myself wondering if its worth it or not. Because it feels like ppl really dont care that much about each other nowadays and all that matters is your own happiness, so even if you made an effort and gave up on something of your own, there's a huge chance they wouldnt appreciate it much, or that after a year they wouldnt even remember the whole thing at all. Sounds so sad.

This thing made me think. A lot. And I decided to change, even a little bit, to try more and help other ppl more. I get frustrated if i dont feel like becoming a 'better person' in a long run and for a while i've changed nothing in my habits, so this shall be this year's challenge. Or this months, at least. So: I try very hard (you should never promise anything XD) to make ppl smile and help them out of the problems if it doesnt kill my own happiness. For example lenting stuff you can live without for a while. Simple little things like that..

It was wonderful to come back home btw, otoosan rode next to me for about 20 minutes because they didnt believe i could find the right way by myself, and after that i kept on and rode for 40 minutes. LUXURY. I love the speed and the feeling of freedom, the wind on your face and AAAA! Different from driving, you feel things around you better~ Just riding through the darkness and silent neighbourhood, having time to think! Okay i admit i got lost and panicked a bit when i found myself in the middle of rice field but hey i found home anyway haha. yes my orienteering is the worst one ever.

Still have to pack my stuff, changing the houses tomorrow!!! and its only 2am yey Looking forward to it *www* And I think that the lesson of the day was that you shouldnt keep on looking for the reasons why you shouldnt have done something, but rather appreciate the things that your decision brought you to instead. I've been kinda frustrated having no responsibilities here, just time time time time time, and even when i managed to find a job i couldnt get no job visa, so i dont have a choice but to just hang around for three months. Today, however, i realized that even one of the days like today, a day you wouldnt want give away for any price, is enough to make the trip worth it. So now i stop complaining about coming here for such a long time and start getting more of those kind of days, i have nothing to lose anyway.

Urgh this ended up being so corny and stupid but yeah, i have nothing more to say now. Next post will be pictures~ be happy and do some stuff you really enjoy doing this week!! cya

18. My home?

So. SO.

What should i say, living on my own now, near the city center...!! I have been going through so many feelings this day, that im feeling a little dizzy, at 7 o'clock i was ready for bed XDD but i made it through and now im just chilling around the house with some music and WIRELESS connection. Bless you.

Okaasan and I left home about 2pm and took all the luggage (one big trunk, one smaller, a guitar and some smaller bags lol) here. Met the host woman who seems to speak finnish too (i dont know since we were all there and spoke in japanese as okaasan doesnt know any finnish). She was somehow... dunno, not smiley and polite like ppl here normally are, but a little awkward and.. yeah. just awkward. And there are no cats D::: It's just called Nekotalo (a cat house) cuz the owner likes cats, it seems.

Anyway she left us here, and we started checking out the places. Maybe some of you remember, but the first 9 days i'll stay at a bigger apartment, not in a single room (another guest will be there in the beginning, so i got this without any extra expenses for the first beginning). The house is really old and kinda dusty, and has many sections so i have no idea what's going on in another end of the apartment. Alone this would be absolutely too big, but luckily Suski and Elina will pay me a visit from 3rd on so it will be perfect then~

I really have deep feelings for okaasan, it was so... cant find the words but after the woman had gone she looked at me and asked me to come back home and stay til my friends come, since it's all too cold and lonely to be alone in here ;_;<3<33<3 i was like....... yeah. but i decided to stay for a night anyway and look how it would go. So she made me promise i'd call in the morning and tell how it was, and then maybe come and stay home XDDD<3

After we had put the rice cooker on we went to see the shootengai and shop for food, she told me how to cook everything and wanted to get me a hot carpet but we couldnt find any and i was hungry so we gave up.

I have to make a whole entry of the Koenji shootengai, its amazing amazing amazing amazing!!! And i dont need to cook since they're selling everything so cheap and aaaa i just love the place!!! The central 'city' is so full of small alleys full of places to eat and drink full of tastes and smells full of ppl that it will take me a good while to get bored in here!!!! I-m-in-heaven. And the older lady who sold me my piiman (i dont know the word in english, a kind of small, green paprika and you usually fill them with meat and fry), pumpkin salad (my everlasting love) and fried fish, also gave us some pieces to taste and some food without any cost \(    ´,`)/// wanna be my girlfriend??

Can you imagine the whole dinner with 360 yen?!?! And it made me feel like i'd have actually cooked by myself cuz i ate them at house with the self-cooked rice muahhahhaa. I can afford take-in food everyday ;_;<3 dream came true. Hahaha only speaking about food aren't I????


Then after having come back to Nekotalo Okaasan basically warmed me the stuff we had bought, a full pot of tea and made everything ready for me ::;___;;; i really cant....!!!! too much of love for one day D:::::: I dont know, maybe this sounds a bit sad but i am so much closer to okaasan than my own mom.... we have conversations of everything, okaasan is proud of the things i've achieved and laughs at my mistakes etc, knows the foods i love and takes care of everything, dont know...... back in finland we dont really spend time together and if i'd go and speak to my parents without a specific reason it would be strange. :/// makes me sad tho.

Well well. Tomorrow we should have gone to the bar but i really am not familiar with the place yet and near the house there was a sign that said to beware of someone taking you or your stuff so i decided it's not a good time to come back home late alone XD Yet. Chikako could have come here in the morning but i said its okay cuz she took a night shift at work so we'll go next friday then~~

Hahaha, now I'm tired again. But i need to give you the pics of the house!! urgh i have to upload them first f*ck this shit im too lazy for this now here we go ^____^

The living room kitchen combination.

Kitchen half.

The next room (Suski's and Elina's beds were there already~)

bathroom

Again livin

Entrance!! (sorry bout the lights >,<)

'My room'.

My new love ;_;<3 we'll have a wonderful short-period relationship, it's so cold here and when you put your legs down the table they are warmed :3

....that's how the place looks already XD

I'm so thankful there's a television, you dont feel alone at all while having it as a background noise. Just like at home, even tho you didnt actually watch the program~ Oh btw we had snow yesterday!!! And today 15 grades again o.o

When i opened my window in the morning!!

So strange!!

And interesting right? XD

I still have to link here a song for you to listen, I dont care of the band at all, but this one song is good, it's my feelings 100% at the moment. 100%. Well im having 5-room disco but you'll get the point XDD enjoying of sapporo lemon sake some previous guest had left here, thanks to him, and dancing around by myself~

Enjoy your days!!!! (o*ww*o)

12. The smell of the past

If i'd have a hundred different feelings during a normal day, today I've had one thousand and hundred.

And the strangest thing is not how many different feelings i have, but how fucking deep they are. Every single one. Deeper than anything i had felt for months. It feels like i had forgotten how to really feel.

I didnt even do anything special today, like anything. Just normal things, breath in breath out -kind of shit!! Well well. I slept for 14 hours. Woke up. Took a short shower. Ate. Ate again after an hour cuz i woke up so late. Sat around and talked with okaasan. Went out to buy the ticket from the nearest konbini. Walked around a bit. Came back, had a dinner. Talked talked talked. Watched the kouhaku (a music program they do on tv every new years eve that lasts for 5-6 hours). Came in my room and started writing this.

Hahaha writing that all down makes me feel as a sim XD

But everything i did had a spirit in it. I dunno, every little thing really felt something. I bought a nikuman in konbini and cant even explain the wonderfulness of its taste ;_; or how it fit in my hand perfectly..! Or how about the nostalgic feeling of walking into a used-record shop by our station! How you first have to tap the door before it slides open...!! Or how about the feeling you get to your legs when you walk on the yellow lines made for blind people! huhh.

I feel everything (...havent done drugs believe me).

How the people care for each other, how everyone is patient and tries to do their best for everybody, how the water taps in our house have to be pushed down, not pulled up, how it's cold all the time inside and how the weather is such a big deal in here.

How it smells in the air everywhere.

The smell brings the most memories of any senses, i've heard, and yes i do agree. The smell of the house brings me back to the time i sat upstairs in the third floor and did my kumons YFU expected us to do. Yesterday I smelled in the train air so many memories, today as i walked to the station I smelled the music i used to listen to back then, three years ago. I smelled the lyrics and aaaaa my brain just doesnt get all this i feel i feel -fuzz.

Even if i didnt actually do much, and even if the smallest things were the ones i felt the strongest, today happened many big things too.

Well, some of them were big and some enormous, some just small, but here we go:
1) I bought the ticket for the GazettE's 10.3. Makuharimesse live without any problems~

2) For the first time it really hit me how hard it even now is for japan to deal with the problems the tsunami caused. How much the people do suffer of it, psychically. The most of the Kouhaku was about it too, many artists gave their support to everybody... The pictures, the music was about it. They tried to give some hope for future and ppl are trying so hard here.

3) Okaasan suggested me to borrow otoosan's guitar for the three months i'll stay ;___;<3 i get to play during my lonely nights and have some own fun, and the gesture was so warm wwwww

4) I got a decision from one of the universities i applied in britain!!!!!!! dösjfdidofhdofhdcxm CANT BELIEVE I GOT ACCEPTED! To study drama and international relations in LONDON!! I wasnt excepting  this o____o they require an interview andandand aa wuttttt!? Cant be an accident, right?? XD i had received two different mails about it! Now i just have to wait until i'll get the rest 4 decisions and then accept one of the offers...!! So the monologues i'll have to do from now on dont have to be perfect, i already got the place i desired the most ;__; guess i'll just do and send them in anyway, but no pressure about getting in anymore~! How crazy is that....!!!

Huuuuhhh. My day in a nutshell. In a big nutshell XD

Tomorrow we'll go to koenji with otoosan (dont remember translating this before, host dad), together by bike to see the shootengai there (i dont know the word in english but it's a kind of a long alley near the station with a lot of little shops there, we live in one too, but in koenji it's said to be really big) and the nekotalo i'll live from March on :333

I'm just sorry for the fact my iPhone doesnt work >____________________< thought i could be in touch with all through whatsapp and send free messages etc, use twitter.... D::: apparently there are no free Wi-Fi's nearby, and even while walking around some of the free ones asked for a code or sth, so sorry for those i promised to text as soon as i'd get here :/// and twitter WHY Y U NO WORK?!?


Here still a couple of pics for ur entertainment~ it was cold outside (the wind is freezing!) so i wasnt out for too long.

so nostalgic XD no wonder i gained weight during my exchange year lolz

especially this one!!!!!!

Our street~

Oh i guess i'll have to change the timezone so that the posts will be in right time with me. have to do it someday, right now im just too lazy...

seeya again everyone  (   * ,,・  」・,,)~~ hope you'll have a good day all!