19. About life and caring

Hellou and long time no see, I've actually been busy doing a lot of stuff! And it's still going on, I just decided to take my time and do a quick post now. Aannnd I actually have some stuff to say too so not bad at all!! Pay attention---!!

So Suski and Elina spent 5 days here with me, mostly we just hanged around but I'll write more about it later, add many pics etc~ just the reason of me having been busy

Today has been one of those days I am really happy to be alive, to be me and to have been just where i happened to be. Nothing much actually happened, tho I only slept for less than 5 hours cuz S&E's plane was so early we had to get up at six already: I had made plans to go and eat both lunch and dinner back at home with my host family today, so that's mostly what I did.

Tho I had been trying to find a place that would rent a bike, asked around if anyone knew anywhere and googled it, it seems they woudlnt rent any bikes in Koenji D: So I asked okaasan if they have a rental anywhere near and she even made a call but you should have waited for a month to get a bike so yeah -__-" it seemed i wouldnt get any, and i was starting to get a little worried about coming home late at nights (this station is not too safe at nights, particularly if you walk alone)

But then obaachan told me a friend of hers happens to have two bikes (the one was stolen right after he had bought it so he had to buy another one, but then he spotted the stolen one a couple of months later and got it back XD). She said he had wanted to sell one of them as soon as possible, and it had already been two months since they had spoken about the thing so it wasnt sure he still had both. Anyway, Obaachan said she'd call him and ask about it later when he would be home.

So I stayed in the kitchen chatting with okaasan, but soon obaachan came back speaking in the phone, telling i'd go and pick the bike, and I found myself on the way to get one of them YEY. When I was leaving the house obaachan came downstairs wearing her jacket and because she's 85 already and has problems with her leg i was like no no no i go myself, sure the friend will spot me but she was determined to come with so i was like "oh ok (.__.)"

We met at the other station where this Shimizu-san lives and he said we should go and change the bikes register number so that it will belong to me if there would be any problems, so we started walking there (he taking the bike, obaachan having hard time walking the long distance and me just hanging there awkwardly). Obaachan had told me about the man on our way there, the guy was single and had been travelling a lot in very interesting places, he had even been to uganda without permission to meet a friend so i felt reaaally tiny next to him and his experiences..! I never know what to say in front of ppl i really do respect...

When we got to the register-thingy-place they told it's easy to change and would take 500 yens, so he was like ok i'll pay but obaachan started to take out her money and aaaaaaaaa okay i know 500 yen is not a big amount but still  I had my money in my hand there but Shimizu-san was like PUT IT AWAY so my reaction again: "oh ok (.__.)"

This might not sound like anything big happened, but the whole time i was there like DONT YOU FUCKING START CRYING LIKE A BABY its just... i dunno, im one of those ppl who actually cry really rare, maybe 4-5 times a year, but on these kind of occassions where someone does something for you without getting anything out of it, without any benefits, like giving their bike (a better one ;__;) away in order to help a total stranger you dont even know, i cant help but feel touched.

Before i left and rode the bike to our station i said thank you for a million times but you know the feeling when you cant forward your feeling however hard you try??? You've got no words and just hope you could make them understand how thankful you are for everything and ösaldköalsdköas

Hhhuuh im making such a fuzz about 'nothing', but it really wasnt nothing for me. I hear that im a cold person and seem distant etc a lot, but i really love making ppl smile. Like, i often open doors to random guys and such, but thats something you can do without losing anything of your own stuff. Maybe this sounds selfish and yeah it is selfish, but often when making someone happy demands something from you (money, item, not having something you want to have by yourself), I find myself wondering if its worth it or not. Because it feels like ppl really dont care that much about each other nowadays and all that matters is your own happiness, so even if you made an effort and gave up on something of your own, there's a huge chance they wouldnt appreciate it much, or that after a year they wouldnt even remember the whole thing at all. Sounds so sad.

This thing made me think. A lot. And I decided to change, even a little bit, to try more and help other ppl more. I get frustrated if i dont feel like becoming a 'better person' in a long run and for a while i've changed nothing in my habits, so this shall be this year's challenge. Or this months, at least. So: I try very hard (you should never promise anything XD) to make ppl smile and help them out of the problems if it doesnt kill my own happiness. For example lenting stuff you can live without for a while. Simple little things like that..

It was wonderful to come back home btw, otoosan rode next to me for about 20 minutes because they didnt believe i could find the right way by myself, and after that i kept on and rode for 40 minutes. LUXURY. I love the speed and the feeling of freedom, the wind on your face and AAAA! Different from driving, you feel things around you better~ Just riding through the darkness and silent neighbourhood, having time to think! Okay i admit i got lost and panicked a bit when i found myself in the middle of rice field but hey i found home anyway haha. yes my orienteering is the worst one ever.

Still have to pack my stuff, changing the houses tomorrow!!! and its only 2am yey Looking forward to it *www* And I think that the lesson of the day was that you shouldnt keep on looking for the reasons why you shouldnt have done something, but rather appreciate the things that your decision brought you to instead. I've been kinda frustrated having no responsibilities here, just time time time time time, and even when i managed to find a job i couldnt get no job visa, so i dont have a choice but to just hang around for three months. Today, however, i realized that even one of the days like today, a day you wouldnt want give away for any price, is enough to make the trip worth it. So now i stop complaining about coming here for such a long time and start getting more of those kind of days, i have nothing to lose anyway.

Urgh this ended up being so corny and stupid but yeah, i have nothing more to say now. Next post will be pictures~ be happy and do some stuff you really enjoy doing this week!! cya

14. Words, words, words

I have done basically nothing after my last post, but i think it's still okay to make a new one, to get you all bored to the death.

Tho i was so tired last night i just somehow managed to get through it, and as a conclusion stayed up til 5am........ Not happy about it now, i feel hangover-ish and my head hurts, plus i think i  might be getting a flu, otoosan has one too so wouldnt surprise me >,<" So i slept til 12am, went to eat and slept 2 more hours.... And i feel like a burden today, just hanging here while everybodys at work (well, nacchan is at uni, okaasan at work and obaachan and otoosan and me here at home but yeah).

I dont know how this is possible, but i've managed to find a wireless connection that only lets me use blogger and google (i can google things but not open the pages?!?! XDXDXD hahaha that's so hilarious,,,) So i stayed up and read and read and read and read blogs, and everybody had something deep to say, everybody had had big changes in their lives lately so it made me think about my own too.

Basically im very happy to be me, i am proud of the things ive achieved (well nothing big maybe but still) and i think my way to see the life is really good. I am not depressed and normally am able to see the positive sides in everything. I feel like ppl complained a lot O.O I mean, its okay if you have done your best and failed in something, its okay if you lost something and it wasnt your fault, but i just hate it when ppl complain about every-little-thing and daily. Oh god if you're not happy with your school or life or hobby or something like that that you can change, go and change it for fucks sake! If there's something you could do about the thing that disturbs you, you have no right to complain continuously, not if you havent even tried once to make things better.

For me the year 2011 was really boring, not many things happened in my life. It was basically school and working really hard, in the beginning of the year i went to the school and had 3 jobs and two volunteering jobs..! Crazy, i dont know how i managed that, but my days were basically just school-hobby-work-sleep school-work-sleep work-yfu-jame-sleep.

I dont count last summer as summer at all, i had a one-week-holiday and the weather was awful. For a month I was in German (=school basically, tho it was a nice experience) and other time i had to take summer courses for high school so that i was able to graduate earlier (i made it in 2,5 years :--D). Once the school started again, i only had 1,5 months left (one period and the finals), and after that i started working in schools in order to get money for the trip.

Tho the end of the year was more interesting, i started going out a lot and hanging more with ppl~ And i was looking forward to my trip too.

But that's it. I mean yeah i graduated and stuff, but nothing big changes happened and i was really bored. bored bored bored. The two last years had  been great, 2009 i was in exchange and 2010 had the culture shock in adjusting back to finland, met so many new ppl and made good friends. 2011 was just a big hazy moment.

So this year i really am going to do things i've wanted!! I've already made a bigger difference in these 1,5 months than last year XD I started the blog i had wanted to start for so long :3 (it needs some big changes still but this is the first step!) I left for the big unknown even if everybody told me not to (i think too much what other ppl think about me, i mean im getting better every day but i really look up to the ppl who have a good self esteem). I got the university place in Britain.

So things seems to go pretty good~ I still have to find something useful to do in Japan, as almost the first half of the year will be over til the time i'll be back in Finland..!! And im a kind of person who cant just sit around, i need something to do. In the december i'll turn 20 and wanna be able to look back and think i have made a difference, that i have lived the way i want to.

I dont know why and maybe this is stupid, but i have the constant fear of not being able to live to the fullest and have 100% of the days used as i want. In the end of the day, if i have done absolutely nothing (this night here i cooome~), it feels like i had lost a day, lost time of already short life. There is just so much i want to do, and tho everybody says there is no need to rush, i'm afraid of not using every chance i get. I dont want to just run through the days, and i really do live in the moment, i think the small things are the ones that really make you happy in the end of the day, but i dont wanna freeze and stop moving either.

Ughhhh im sorry i have no pictures to post, i really should add more of them. Too many words, too little photos. I'm so lazy to read, that if the blog is only text i dont even bother to start reading haha.... XD i cant even link videos cuz im not able to use youtube!!!

I promise the next post will be only pictures :DD Have a nice day~